Confession: I know what a man wants!

Confession: I know what a man wants!

Teaching Advanced Placement High School English is a very educational experience. For me.

When teaching a new or difficult concept, I use analogies and anecdotes. Often, these are funny because I figure we'd all rather learn by laughing than by some really boring teacher droning on and on behind a podium. I was trying to refine the concept of the importance of syntax and delivery (how the words, sentences and paragraphs appear on the page to strengthen an argument) for my Advanced Placement students. Because we had just had the Winter Formal dance, I decided that describing moment you first see your date at the door would work (as in, 1st impressions are everything and a pleasing appearance really enhances the experience).

I went into a detailed description of all my (and my friends') awful date appearances: the guy who showed up un-shaven (as in, he didn't shave the 4 hairs he was so proud to have grown on his chin) and 'shants' (shorts/pants that YOU SHAN'T EVER WEAR!); the guy who just honked from his rusty, beat-up pickup truck and then offered to 'toss me in the bed'--I think he meant the bed of the truck...; the guy who shaved my initials into his hair (junior homecoming); the guy who shaved his date's initials into his CHEST hair (college, not my date thankfully); and so on.

The girls were laughing hysterically: the guys were taking frantic notes. Threw in a few examples too of how boys don't like to be met at the door. Classic--and actually applicable to me--is Dad at the door with a shotgun. Or, in my own personal case, Dad at the door with an elk hunting rifle that is roughly as long as his daughter is tall and has enough kick to knock said daughter ten feet back onto her ass. Or leave a sizable hole in the ass of her date. Thank God my husband married me anyway..in fact, he may have married me for the rights to borrow that rifle!

Then I started in from a man's perspective. Now, I've been married to a man for 10 years, lived with him for longer, have dated even longer than that and even received a fabulous collegiate degree in men by living with many of them in the co-ed Crew house. So I have a pretty good idea of what a man wants to see when that front door opens. Unfortunately, most of it is just not appropriate to say in a high school class (at least, not by the high school teacher!) So I let the boys talk.

Now, remember, this is a class for Advanced Placement. Also known as Arrested Puberty, Accessorize with Pocket-protector or Always Praying-for-a-real-live-date. You know, the Nerds, the Geeks, the Fatheads, the Smarties. Tie-clips, Debate Club, actually do the homework, hang out with the teacher at lunch DORKS. 2/3 of the boys in this class have never had a date with anything other than their World of Warcraft computer-generated vixen. These were the boys taking furious notes. The other few boys who somehow are athletic, cool and smart started doing that manly elbow-nudge-sideways-look-low-throated-chuckle thing men do when contemplating hot women in an environment where they can't truly use their extensive describe-hot-girls vocabulary. One of the boys, named Walker (I know, I know: I call him 'texas ranger' at least once a week. he does not find this funny. I do.) finally decided to answer my question:

Me, "SO, describe what you want a date to look like? Remember, you never get a second chance for a first impression...thus the importance of syntax and delivery...just like your first thoughts when you see your date for the first time."

Walker, "One word, Ship, one word: HOT" (only, he said it in that 'man-speak' way of 'H-H-H-HOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT!")

Lots of giggles (from the girls and the 2/3 of the boys who have never had the joy of speaking to a H-H-H-HOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT girl). Then Walker's best friend, a boy named Lucas, chimed in with a contribution even I, with my vast experience, had never realized:

"'H-H-H-HOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT and holding a hamburger!"

I thought this was funny, so I related it to my husband, who immediately agreed that a hot woman holding a hamburger is every man's ideal fantasy. He also proclaimed that I should give Walker and Lucas each an “A” for their brilliance.

I was unable to believe that men really think this way, and so I have queried most of the men I know. In 100% of the males surveyed (incidentally, all married, mature men!) their eyes lit up, their lips curved in a salacious way and they proclaimed, 'I could eat a hamburger!'

Hot Minivan Moms: I have solved the mystery! Not that men were THAT much of a mystery but there were a few pebbles left uncovered:

What do men want? Meat. And they want that meat to both have rocking buns and be presented between two sesame-seed buns. All at once. Preferably with a side of excellent cleavage.